Consider this scenario: Your son was exposed to a toxin about three weeks ago. Ever since then, you’ve noticed he lacks energy and is behaving a little differently. At first, it’s nothing remarkable or worrisome. He seems lethargic, but he has been having trouble sleeping, so that makes sense. He doesn’t have an interest in doing things he normally enjoys, but maybe his interests have simply changed. This isn’t unusual with teens, right? Then he starts getting headaches, which are soon accompanied by stomach pain, even diarrhea. (Of course, he won’t tell you about the bathroom stuff, but you have ears and your Spidey-Senses.) The head and stomach aches occur every three to four days. You worry he’ll get dehydrated, but he acts annoyed with you when you encourage him to drink more fluids.
Then you learn that a few of his friends were also exposed to the same toxin, and they’re showing similar symptoms. What do you do?
- You pray the symptoms will run their course and wait to see if they get worse.
- You invite the sick kids to your home, so they can give each other moral support.
- You say to yourself, “I’m smart. I can figure this out,” and look online for remedies.
- You take your child to a medical professional and encourage the other parents to do the same.
Most people I know choose D, hands down and probably within days, not weeks, of the exposure to a toxin!
Now consider this. What if that toxin was the death of a loved one? A classmate’s suicide, overdose or murder?
Most people choose anything but D.
After two decades in the field, I’ve learned a lot about how parents respond to the red flags their children raise and the warning signs that something isn’t right. Parents will try to pray it away. They’ll trust that other teens (with their undeveloped brains) will help each other through this hard time. They’ll go online and read — maybe a credible article or maybe a blog written by a flunky with a big vocabulary. They’ll believe that because they are smart, they should know how to walk a child through traumatic grief. They might choose other options, like removing their child from the school setting and home schooling the boy. They’ll do almost everything but seek the help from a professional — a professional who has studied and trained and journeyed through this pain with countless others.
What stops them? Sometimes money is an obstacle (see resources that follow this article). Sometimes a parent says the child or teen “just doesn’t want to talk to a counselor.” (To that, I say, “Of course he doesn’t. Do it anyway. Be the parent.”) Usually, the reason parents don’t seek help is the stigma, which is essentially ego. Egos that won’t let them admit they might lack the skill set. Egos that can’t bear the possibility of being seen (with or without their kid) walking into a shrink’s office.
If you’re honest, is your ego standing between your child and the help he or she needs? Is it standing between you and the help you need?
I’m not trying to knock, offend, criticize or shame anyone. I’m tired. I’m expressing exasperation. I lead a nonprofit mental health agency that responds to more than 2,000 people in crises a year, most of which were avoidable. Last year, our organization responded to 140 suicide related referrals from our local police department.
I’ve tiptoed around this subject for years, and I’m not doing that any more. Neglected mental health is a problem, and I’m determined to ramp up my efforts toward a remedy, and that might mean I rub a few folks the wrong way.
My staff is weary from responding to one preventable, predictable crisis after another. They are frustrated by parents who sought help only after the child’s symptoms escalated to self-harm or suicide attempts (and then expected the therapist to wave a magic wand and fix the child inside two sessions). It hurts to see kids suffering and to know their suffering is exacerbated by someone’s ego.
Think about it. Would you rather die than see a professional counselor? Would you prefer to witness your son slip away, even die, over providing professional help for him? I’m sure that sounds harsh, but the stigma has that strong of an influence over too many parents.
Stigma thrives on our egos; it counts on them. Stigma has no place in parenting. Do not give it a seat at the table. When you see the slightest indication that something isn’t right with your child, please check your ego and find a licensed mental health professional.
The stigma is deadly. The stigma is killing our kids. We don’t need to address it or challenge it.
We need to slay it.
A few Resources:
https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/traumatic-grief
http://www.granthalliburton.org/10things.html
https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/teen-depression#1
Help
Dallas Area and/or Texas:
http://counselingplace.org/youth-programs/
https://www.herefortexas.com/index.html
National:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
D.W. Dobbs 